THE COUCH TORPADO – An Interview

Look! Over by that hot dog stand…. It’s Hugo from Lost!... It’s Harry Knowles! No it’s…THE COUCH TORPADO!!!!!!!

That’s right, the Couch Torpado is here to save the day… by exerting the least amount of energy possible. The Couch Torpado: putting the pro in procrastination. Not since Captain Chaos has a fat guy looked this good in tights.

Until now, a shroud of mystery surrounded the Torpado like a mysterious shroud. For the first time in history (and for $20 bucks), The Couch Torpado has agreed to be interviewed.

INTERVIEWER: Thank you Couch Torpado for agreeing to do this interview.

Thanks for the 20 bucks.

INTERVIEWER: So tell us about how you became a superhero.

Well, not too long ago I was just a fat kid from Oklahoma with a dream… a dream of getting laid. The only way that was ever going to happen was if I a.) became a rock star or b.) became a superhero. And, well, let’s just say I don’t play guitar. From that day on, I was destined to wear a costume.

INTERVIEWER: Speaking of costumes, how did you come up with such vibrant-colored costume?

Well it mostly came from my mom’s closet… the fabric, that is. I then called the only dude I know who knows how to sew, my trusty sidekick Heat Lamp…I call him that because he sweats a lot… and we created the epic outfit you see before you.

INTERVIEWER: Wait, you have a sidekick?

I had one, yes. (sigh)… He was my ward. But we had a falling out… mostly because I refused to call the sweaty bastard anything but Heat Lamp. That and he got a job.

INTERVIEWER: How did you come up with the name Couch Torpado?

I tend to spend a lot of time on the couch… this is where I do all of my plotting, masterminding, and whatnot… and I was trying to think of a name with a lot of sex appeal, like The Skud or Phallicon…

INTERVIEWER: Phallicon?

Right, you get the idea….well that’s when my grump of a granddad, who’d just had a stroke, wondered in the room and called me a lazy couch torpado. Well let’s just say the name stuck.

INTERVIEWER: Er... (slight pause) So tell us about your super powers?

Wow, where do I begin. I am a super genius… I am blessed with this jiggley body armor...I am big boned, making my frame stronger, you know, like a Neanderthal… I have an associate’s degree in communications… and I have this utility belt here.

INTERVIEWER: And what do you carry in your utility belt?

Oh, things like energy drinks, chocolate covered coffee beans, that sort of thing. I use to carry a tazer until I accidently tazed some homeless dude.

Normally I carry ninja throwing stars, but my mom took them away from me when she saw my costume….she must of recognized the fabric. Anyway, now I fight crime with my mind!

INTERVIEWER: Interesting.

If you don’t mind me asking, what magazine is this interview for?

INTERVIEWER: Oh, its not for a magazine. I am trying to win a contest on the MMO Report. Ever seen it? It’s on G4.

Heck yeah, Olivia Munn is hot!

INTERVIEWER: Ah, no. That’s… that’s not the show I’m talking about.

Hey are we done here? My guild is raiding in, like, 30 minutes.

INTERVIEWER: Yes, I believe we are done.

Cool. TORPADO AWAY!

As our hero petals away on his Torpado-cycle, I am forced to ask myself….why?

Why did I just invent an interview with a very unhero as my alter ego instead of creating an uber-cool superhero character? The answers is simple…

It’s funnier.